Thursday, October 15, 2009


How have I changed since graduating high school?

I mean there are the obvious things, like I'm not a musician anymore, and moved away from home. But there are so many other things that I've done/become.

Ok, so why am I talking about this? These days, when ever something/someone bugs me, I have to go to the internet to tell everyone about it. Either on Twitter or Facebook, sometimes Youtube and most rarely here. The internet is a big part of my most recent changes, so I think I'll get to that later.

My life has lost structure. It is something I know I need, but I constantly fight against it. I don't like routine and I don't like the pressure I get from being expected to run on other people's timelines. I procrastinate and I end up either disappointing them or getting it done but not doing my best.

TANGENT: I know that I'm probably clinically depressed. I don't feel rested no matter how long I sleep. I lack motivation. I have insomnia. I can be emotional. I don't want to leave the house. I don't make connections with very many things/people. I'm anti-social. Despite all this, I don't want to see a doctor because I don't want to be put on medication. I know some people need the medication but I see it as an easy out. It makes you feel better without actually dealing with the reasons one is depressed in the first place. Honestly, I've probably been depressed for the past decade. Ever since my mom died. But most of the time I felt it less because I was kept busy with school and music and church. But now, I don't really have any of those things in my life. (I guess this wasn't really a tangent after all.)

Fall 2008: I think the depression took a turn for the worse. Sleep was more appealing than going to class, even if the class was important. I started have even more trouble going to sleep at night. I lost all motivation to do well. I didn't care anymore.

In high school, I didn't have to really work very hard to be a good student. I'm smart and I pay attention and my teachers took good care of me. In college, I expected that the same study habits would continue to work for me. Let's just say that they didn't. And eventually, I could no longer take courses at my school because my GPA was too low. So I enrolled in on line courses, ones that I could finish at my own rate but had to be completed in a year, with the intention of reapplying to my school for 2010. However, since the courses lacked structure and I lacked motivation, I still haven't even started most of them and I only have 2 months until they expire.

I still can't find the motivation to do the work. I know I should. I know I want to go back to school.

I think I'm just going to with draw from these online courses and start over with a more structured program or possibly attend a local community college. I can't do school on my own, I just don't have that kind of will power.

School, I feel like has been the biggest challenge. But other than that, being away from home and, again, the structure there, I have had a hard time keeping my faith alive. I've never stopped believing, but I have stopped practicing the way I know I should be practicing. It's something else I need to work on.

What are some good changes that have happened in my life?

Well, interwebz, I've met you! And here, I feel like I might have a home. There is always something to do and I can get everything I need here. I've meet excellent, lovely people online and I would never trade them in for anything.

I don't think everyone understands that. More than anything, I feel like part of a community and that hanging out on Skype is really more of a social life than I would have ever hoped for in the real world. These people don't care what I look like or how I dress or how awkward I am, because they love me and they worry about all these things just as much, if not more than I do sometimes. They are always here, emotionally, to make me feel better, which is something that can't be said about a lot of people I know outside my computer.

I came into a bit of money when I graduated high school, so now I basically have everything I want and I didn't have to work for it. This is how I was able to afford an out of state university and moving to Hawaii and a trip to New York City. I know that if I don't make some changes, that this money will run out soon.

My biggest thing about finding a job is that I can't be bothered to leave my apartment. No that's not it. I don't really know HOW to look for a job but I'm too effing proud to ask for help, or I feel like I should be old enough to do this without someone holding my hand the whole time. But that's what I want, really. I want someone to guide me through this and I don't know how to ask the people around me for this help. I try to be subtle by just saying "I don't know how to get started" but that gets me no where.

This is really a rant. Nothing more. I mean, it's all true and I have major issues, but this isn't about how my life has changed at all. Well, at least not anymore.

I know what I need to work on. I think about it all every day. I don't know how to go from thinking to doing. So it doesn't help when those I love and that have the best intentions in mind tell me that I need to be getting my act together. It's not that simple.



  1. You know that you have lots of people that love and care about you though, right??

  2. Wow... Geri. This was so real and so raw. I really appreciate your honesty... Last year I always questioned if you were doing okay and if you were happy, but I dismissed any chance that you weren't and thought that it was just me making assumptions.

    I understand that you may or may not be clinically depressed, but it also sounds like you're aware that something isn't clicking... something isn't right physically or emotionally for you right now, and its something that has been going on for you for awhile (at least since your mother's death from what I understand). It might be circumstantial and something you can pull yourself out of, or it might not be. If it's a chemical imbalance inside of your brain, its generally not something you have a lot of control over. So I feel like it might be helpful for you to bust the stigma you have against medication for depression and/or other mental illnesses. Now I'm not telling you to go out and get a prescription for zoloft or paxil (although it might help) and and expect you to find your way to "happiness" (as if it were a destination), because honestly antidepressants generally don't work all that well for many people. AND sometimes they do help. But it's not like you're living in happyland by taking an SSRI. It's something that helps many people get out of bed in the morning, or get through the day and lead "normal" lives.

    Sorry for the rant!

    But anyway, Geri, I'm happy you have people that you can connect with online and who understand what you're going through. That's a very important outlet. I know how lonely life feels sometimes, especially when it seems like no on in your life could possibly understand you. Like you, I'm actually in kind of a slump right now.

    I feel so glad and privileged to now know and finally hear a little bit about your struggles and what life feels like for you. It's so cliché, but I'm here for you. I love you and appreciate your friendship. Besos.

    Jenny (your old roommate!) =)

  3. First off! You should feel NO blame at all. EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON...we may not know that at that very time bUt it does. I think to myself the things we talk about and I wonder why it doesn't seem to help when we do talk about it. It might for a day or so but nothing long term. I know everything above it true of how you feel. Look what happen...the loved ones around u have told u to get it together and I know I have offered help. Look where it brought you. To realize all of theses things. This blog shows me that when we have had serious talks it has slowly but surely worked. Geee I love you no matter how you are..what you look like...what you say or do. You know that I know you do or you wouldn't be here with me. I don't want to take moms place EVER. I want to guide you in the right direction. I show you routine and structure(well except when I have had to much coffee). I am a very bad example of showing you the effects of what the meds can do for you. DO NOT only look at my case. There are doctors out there that believe in not giving meds also. I think meds are good to get you started but once u r up and going get off of them and keep up what you learned while on them they can be JUST a tool. Easier said then done I know first hand. I have so much going through my head to say and just am so proud of you for blogging this today. You can only help someone who is ready to want to be helped and this shows me you are wanting to begin to own it. I am so proud of you not only for this but for all the things you have done in life with Lynn and going through everything you have. It doesn't stop there. I want to guide you and hold your hand and I'm not going to say if you need it. You need it and I'm going to guide you. Now....STOP THIS AND ASK!!!! IVE GOT UR BACK(I'm too effing proud to ask for help, or I feel like I should be old enough to do this without someone holding my hand the whole time.THIS WILL ALWAYS HAPPEN IN LIFE SO GET USED TO IT(So it doesn't help when those I love and that have the best intentions in mind tell me that I need to be getting my act together. It's not that simple)AS FAR AS IT BEING SIMPLE...IT IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT. BEGIN FROM TODAY ON AND IF YOU FALL OFF GET UP AND GET RIGHT BACK ON. BE STRONG AND I WILL BE STRONG WITH YOU.

  4. Just on the note of feeling possibly depressed, a therapist is an extremely helpful tool. Earlier this year, I was feeling like I might be clinically depressed, but, just like you, really didn't want to be medicated. Therapists don't prescribe drugs (nor are they licensed to), but they can listen, give advice to maybe get you out of an unmotivated rut, AND they can decide if you *are* at a point where actual medication *is* needed, but only if it really is.

    No matter what you decide, I wish you the very very best because you deserve to have the best life possible. <3

  5. Geri. We are so ridiculously alike sometimes. Ahhh I don't even know where to start on this comment, my thoughts are everywhere. I've actually read this 3 times in the past week and have been trying to find the right words. Stupid words.

    So. I feel like this all the freaking time. I have for years. Our "issues" come from different places, but we end up at the same destination.

    I love the internet and all the friends we've made and the empowerment we get from the vlogbrothers and being nerdfighters. Those are all lovely positive things. But I think sometimes we (or at least I) get too involved and spend too much time here. I need to remember that URL can't really replace IRL. The friendships and connections are real, but we can't really do anything real with those things, you know? I don't know, I just feel like sometimes I try and distract myself with these things too much, and it prevents me from dealing with the things I need to deal with and getting myself back on track. IDK if it's the same for you.

    Anyway, the job thing. That was totally me last year. I totally lucked into the job I had and even that was only one day a week. xD Finding the motivation to do something you have no idea how to do is horrifying. I can help you to an extent. I don't know. I feel like we need to talk more, Geri. One on one. I know we have pottergrams and skype and stuff but we just need to pick up the effing phone and TALK. Seriously.

    I don't know how to get from thinking to doing, either. I tend to think big and then tear myself down from that big thought. I believe I can do it but I'm terrified I can't. And it's just EASIER to stay in this godforsaken rut.

    This is ranty. I love you so much. Let's talk-talk soon. Please.


    (PS I loved what Jen said. Jen is awesome.)