How have I changed since graduating high school?
I mean there are the obvious things, like I'm not a musician anymore, and moved away from home. But there are so many other things that I've done/become.
Ok, so why am I talking about this? These days, when ever something/someone bugs me, I have to go to the internet to tell everyone about it. Either on Twitter or Facebook, sometimes Youtube and most rarely here. The internet is a big part of my most recent changes, so I think I'll get to that later.
My life has lost structure. It is something I know I need, but I constantly fight against it. I don't like routine and I don't like the pressure I get from being expected to run on other people's timelines. I procrastinate and I end up either disappointing them or getting it done but not doing my best.
TANGENT: I know that I'm probably clinically depressed. I don't feel rested no matter how long I sleep. I lack motivation. I have insomnia. I can be emotional. I don't want to leave the house. I don't make connections with very many things/people. I'm anti-social. Despite all this, I don't want to see a doctor because I don't want to be put on medication. I know some people need the medication but I see it as an easy out. It makes you feel better without actually dealing with the reasons one is depressed in the first place. Honestly, I've probably been depressed for the past decade. Ever since my mom died. But most of the time I felt it less because I was kept busy with school and music and church. But now, I don't really have any of those things in my life. (I guess this wasn't really a tangent after all.)
Fall 2008: I think the depression took a turn for the worse. Sleep was more appealing than going to class, even if the class was important. I started have even more trouble going to sleep at night. I lost all motivation to do well. I didn't care anymore.
In high school, I didn't have to really work very hard to be a good student. I'm smart and I pay attention and my teachers took good care of me. In college, I expected that the same study habits would continue to work for me. Let's just say that they didn't. And eventually, I could no longer take courses at my school because my GPA was too low. So I enrolled in on line courses, ones that I could finish at my own rate but had to be completed in a year, with the intention of reapplying to my school for 2010. However, since the courses lacked structure and I lacked motivation, I still haven't even started most of them and I only have 2 months until they expire.
I still can't find the motivation to do the work. I know I should. I know I want to go back to school.
I think I'm just going to with draw from these online courses and start over with a more structured program or possibly attend a local community college. I can't do school on my own, I just don't have that kind of will power.
School, I feel like has been the biggest challenge. But other than that, being away from home and, again, the structure there, I have had a hard time keeping my faith alive. I've never stopped believing, but I have stopped practicing the way I know I should be practicing. It's something else I need to work on.
What are some good changes that have happened in my life?
Well, interwebz, I've met you! And here, I feel like I might have a home. There is always something to do and I can get everything I need here. I've meet excellent, lovely people online and I would never trade them in for anything.
I don't think everyone understands that. More than anything, I feel like part of a community and that hanging out on Skype is really more of a social life than I would have ever hoped for in the real world. These people don't care what I look like or how I dress or how awkward I am, because they love me and they worry about all these things just as much, if not more than I do sometimes. They are always here, emotionally, to make me feel better, which is something that can't be said about a lot of people I know outside my computer.
I came into a bit of money when I graduated high school, so now I basically have everything I want and I didn't have to work for it. This is how I was able to afford an out of state university and moving to Hawaii and a trip to New York City. I know that if I don't make some changes, that this money will run out soon.
My biggest thing about finding a job is that I can't be bothered to leave my apartment. No that's not it. I don't really know HOW to look for a job but I'm too effing proud to ask for help, or I feel like I should be old enough to do this without someone holding my hand the whole time. But that's what I want, really. I want someone to guide me through this and I don't know how to ask the people around me for this help. I try to be subtle by just saying "I don't know how to get started" but that gets me no where.
This is really a rant. Nothing more. I mean, it's all true and I have major issues, but this isn't about how my life has changed at all. Well, at least not anymore.
I know what I need to work on. I think about it all every day. I don't know how to go from thinking to doing. So it doesn't help when those I love and that have the best intentions in mind tell me that I need to be getting my act together. It's not that simple.